Happy New Year, proud Tampons. Time to drink less, give up smoking, run a marathon, burn off that gut, learn a language (try mastering English first), write a book, get a better job and make sure people you date are the sex they represent on the outside. I cannot stress that last one enough. Oh, sure. That gal you met on Bourbon Street may be everything you dreamed about. But if she knows a little too much about the cover-two defense and has one hell of a handshake, it’s time to make sure she’s not all that and a bag of chestnuts. Where was I?
The Tampa Bay Buccaneers ownership reality show known as the Brian and Joel extravaganza dropped the hammer on the Schiano contract seconds after the ball dropped in Times Square, indicating the first New Year's resolution of 2014 at One Buc Place was to not suck a flaming bag of dog shit. One week later, they revealed the worst-kept secret in the NFL by handing the keys, badge and gun to former Bears coach, Lovie Smith. Smith wasted no time in pulling a good pal from Cal as offensive coordinator and a buddy named Leslie to handle the defense. And there was much rejoicing. The Tony Dungy transplant has begun to take root and the area will no doubt experience a swarming, punishing and pulverizing defense as well as a conservative prevent offense whose sole purpose is ball control, runs up the middle, and some ugly 6-3 victories. But as I’ve always bloviated, it’s better to play ugly and win than play ugly and lose. Like the big-boned babe bouncing alone on the dance floor at last call. This wasn’t how you hoped the evening would go, but you still got laid.
[jump]Meanwhile, the NFL playoffs began the wild and wacky wild-card weekend and didn’t disappoint. The Colts made a miraculous comeback (or the Chiefs laid a colossal dump) and will be moving on to New England to face groovy dreamboat Tom Brady, the Sith Lord Belichik and the rest of the Patriots in Bah-ston, home of the notorious breed of knuckle-draggers whose accent is as unique as their perfected marriage between ignorance and arrogance. Should be a wicked pissah. Over in Cincinnati, the citizenry were treated to yet another predictable and all too regular BM (Bengals Meltdown … see what I did there? I love poop puns), allowing the where-the-hell-did-they come-from Chargers to move on to lose to Peyton Manning and the Broncos of Denver, home of legalized potheads and a constant shortage of Cheetos dipped in deep fried Mayo. Shooting over to the City of Brotherly Shove, the Eagles faithful took another shot in the clogged arteries after the Saints snatched victory with a last-second field goal, once again sending the despicable blobs of protoplasm home to light up the 911 desk with domestic disputes. Finally, it was so cold in Green Bay (how cold was it), that I literally got chills watching the 49ers/Packers game from my 75-degree living room in my Batman boxers (the barn doors were secure in case you were wondering … mostly). Anyway, the 49ers, seemingly unfazed by the snot-cicle temperatures, sent the cheeseheads home to digest a last-second field goal loss … that and many many schnitzengrubens.
The final BCS National Championship game ever ended in spectacular fashion as the Florida State Seminoles came back multiple times, including the one that counted the most, to beat the Auburn Tigers 34-31, ending the 7-year SEC supremacy in what was arguably one of the most exciting college championship games ever played. And if you’re among those who fall in the “arguably” category, go piss up a flag pole and leave me alone. You just love to argue and that is just stinkin thinkin. I want to personally thank the Michigan State Spartans for knocking Ohio State out of contention in the nick of time to make it an enjoyable college football finale for the rest of us. FSU would have beaten the Buckeyes harder than Mike Tyson on a kid in one of those AT&T commercials. “Queen my dishes please.” Aren’t they just adorable? Oh, I could just eat them up. So would Mike, unfortunately, so I’ll withdraw the previous statement. Awk-waaaard. As a Gator alumni, I would like to extend a laurel … and hearty handshake to Nole Nation. They truly earned that victory and are the best team in college football. And as an SEC wonk, Auburn fans should hold their heads high. You gave them everything they could handle and did the conference proud. Ugh, those last four sentences were so sweet, they just gave me diabetes.
Happy 2014. Here’s to flying cars, hover boards and all that other crap promised to us by those sci-fi movies we watched as a kid. And if there’s time, world peace. But flying cars first.