I hate being right. (How would you even know what that's like, Bill? Shut up.) No sooner did I submit my latest sports commentary on the subject laced with the usual red flags of an early onset of dementia, then my worst fears were confirmed. Grown Ups 2 got snubbed for best picture. Also? Tampa Bay Lightning captain, staple, icon and Stanley Cup champion Marty St. Louis was traded away like a wet A-Rod baseball card with a tear in it found in a urinal ... which may or may not have been put in ... and peed on ... by my evil twin ... OK, I peed on it. It appears St. Louis did have a problem with being passed over for the Canadian Olympic Team by Lightning GM Steve Yzerman after all, and requested a ticket out of T-town. Thanks for the memories, Marty. Your work ethic, leadership, attitude and strength in the face of adversity have been an inspiration to the entire Tampa Bay community; right up until the time you took your puck and went home when things didn't go your way. You are now representing New York and suck a bag of donkey farts.
As free agency rolled into gear, rumors swirled around faster than the one about the pregnant prom queen (that's still sort of scandalous, right?). Over the weekend, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers cleared some cap cash by knocking off two-time Pro Bowl guard, fan favorite and all-around great guy Davin Joseph. Buc Nation immediately reacted with profanity-decorated dissatisfaction and wondered why the axe wasn't applied to the other guard — the one with a disgusting and seemingly perpetual case of MRSA. (Have you Googled the image yet yet? Tasty.) Unfortunately, while cutting Carl Nicks would sound a tad more palatable, not to mention sanitary, it won't save the team a dime. So, the Bucs will most likely slap some Neosporin or something on that infected piggy and hope for the best. Once the Tuesday shopping extravaganza was made official at 4 p.m., the Bucs hit the player malls like a drunken 16-year-old with daddy Glazer's credit card. A quarterback, tight end, pass rusher, corner and giant offensive tackle are now slated to wear the brand-new ugly uniform for Tampa Bay, and that's just since Thursday. All for the low, low price of a Darrelle Revis, who was released Wednesday and signed with whiplash speed by the evil empire in New England, who didn't have to give the Bucs anything in trade. Enjoy, Pats fans. But remember, Satan will eventually come to collect on the contract Belichik signed in the blood of puppies.
Quick thought on disgruntled Buc fans who perpetually gripe about letting "good" players go and seize every opportunity to stab at the organization on their lack of personnel knowledge with their pointy pointy words: What do you think free agency is all about, slick? Is it a time where all 31 other teams let great players go so we can gobble them up while keeping all our current goodies for ourselves? Or is it something we're going to have to suckle from the teat of reality, and accept that the reason why good players become available in the first place is that the entire league has to make crappy, unpopular decisions, say goodbye to some of our gridiron pals and soldier on? Grow up. None of them will wind up in a van down by the river. Well, not immediately, anyway.
Honorable afterthoughts: Pitcher and still-Tampa Bay Ray David Price is officially named the team's opening-day starter (See? You can learn to stretch $14 million and be happy. Think of all the HBOs you could get — like two at least!); The Tampa Bay Lightning will be celebrating their 10th anniversary of winning the Stanley Cup this weekend, complete with cameos from everything from former players to the cup itself (I only wish Marty were alive to see it. Don't panic, he's only dead to me); and finally, Rays center fielder Desmond Jennings found a snake in his backyard and, after asking for help on Twitter (huh?) and calling animal control, moved into his other house (wha?). "I'd deal with a gator before a snake," he said. Jesus, one crappy football season, and everybody piles on the Gators.