Man, it's hot. Oh sure, that statement may have promoted me from Captain Obvious to General. But damn … it's so hot (how hot is it?) Shut up, this isn't a joke. It's so hot, I took the dogs out to pee and in less than five minutes, sweat was dripping from my nose and my boxers accumulated enough salt deposits for a baked potato. We're talking fogged up sunglasses, car heat you can taste and gym clothes that stink … after you take them out of the dryer, hot. When I get hot, I get irritable and when I get irritable, I take it out on you. So let's just get through this and I'll feel better. Maybe you will too, but I'm not concerned with that right now.
THE GOOD:
Okay, I'm not Debbie Downer. I need to at least throw a couple of ounces of love to the Tampa Bay Rays who closed out the weekend winning the series against the defending World Series champs, the San Fransisco Giants (but they suck this year, Bill). Oh my God, dude. Seriously? Anyway, big ups to Chris Archer for winning both American League pitcher AND Rookie of the month. There's your sweet, here comes the sour.
THE BAD:
"You're a very bad person."
—Office Space
That pretty well sums it up for me when it comes to Warren Sapp, who was immortalized by the obligatory that-looks-nothing-like-him bronze bust in Canton Ohio at the Pro Football Hall of Fame over the weekend. If you took a baby-sip of Pina Colada (Hey, it's Summer) every time somebody wrote or said something along the lines of, "Love him or hate him, you can't deny his on-the-field performance," you'd be blind AND diabetic before lunch. I don't have to preface the following statements with how good he was on the gridiron, everybody knows that. But I've never been more absolute when I say from the depths of my soul that it's all he was ever GOOD at. Because it is also worth mentioning, and it appears I'm pretty much the lone voice in this matter, that Warren Sapp is an unimaginable, incorrigible, first class, Grade-A asshole. And until the next Buc goes to the Hall, it's an embarrassing irony that the only other Tampa Bay player in Canton is the late Lee Roy Selmon; an equal terror on the field, but a true gentleman off of it.
By far, the worst part of Sapp's complete douchebaggery is that it's apparently intentional, deliberate, calculated and perversely enjoyed by a man who openly loathed the fans who loved him while being engaging, witty, friendly and downright endearing when the camera was turned on. His shockingly rude behavior wasn't a character flaw. It wasn't his natural disposition as a result of a miserable upbringing. It was a second career. I've never before heard of someone who's virtually limitless horror stories of treating fans like dog shit on his boot were countered by such love and respect from fellow players. It didn't make it better. It made it worse. He was capable of being a nice guy. He just chose not to waste it on us.
So, I don't need to remind anyone of the sacks, awards, accolades or being a part of transforming the DNA of a perpetual loser of a franchise. Those irrefutable points have been beaten to death. But on behalf of every person made to feel bad for doing nothing but wanting to shake your hand, sign their hat, or take a picture with their kid, I'm simply going to quote you from the time after a co-worker of mine came up to you at a restaurant to say, good game.
"Fuck you."
In case you're wondering, the answer is yes. I'm now afraid for my safety.
THE STUPID:
Texas A&M quarterback, Heisman Trophy winner and asshole-in-training, Johnny Manziel reportedly agreed to a five-figure deal to sign autographs in January, sparking the tired and predictable reaction of "why can't we just pay players". This is another rant for another day, but to sum up, #1 We already have pro football, the last thing we need is money issues with even younger kids. #2 Why is it when people break the rules, the response is to change them to excuse the deviant behavior, and #3 Ask my parents how rich they would be with five years free tuition, books, housing and food (five years, Bill?) Look, a lot of people take five years for a B.A. Focus! THEY DO GET PAID. Oh yeah, it's voluntary. Playing football is fun. You don't have to play or even go to college for that matter.
Honorable Afterthought: Speaking of stupid, Philadelphia receiver Riley Cooper got drunk, said something stupid and apologized. The End. If it still offends your sensibilities, get over yourself, pussy. Call me anything you want. My happiness does not depend on what an idiot says. Nobody has that power over me. Try it sometime. It's pretty awesome.